


I bloom alone

by Lalelilolu



Series: Lale's Inktober 2020 [26]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Eavesdropping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Good Sibling Isabelle Lightwood, Hanahaki Disease, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Inktober 2020, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Post-Break Up, They are both Nice Things, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:35:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27215038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalelilolu/pseuds/Lalelilolu
Summary: After breaking up with Magnus to fulfil the deal he made with Asmodeus, Alec deals with the severe consequences.Twentysixth Day of Inktober (Hide)
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Lale's Inktober 2020 [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953916
Comments: 21
Kudos: 174
Collections: Favorite Malec Stories





	I bloom alone

**Author's Note:**

> Big shoutout to my beta [Myulalie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myulalie/pseuds/Myulalie), she's awesome! ♥
> 
> TW: There is a vomiting scene and mentions of blood. Bloody picture at the bottom of the story.
> 
> The hanahaki disease is a fictional disease stemming from unrequited love. It manifests in having the affected coughing up flowers as the disease is growing in their lungs. It can only be healed by confessing your love and having the feelings reciprocated or by a surgery which ultimately results in losing the feelings for your love.

Magnus looked beautiful when he stormed through the institute’s doors, magic at the ready, glowing with a deep, angry red. He didn’t even bother to look at the shadowhunters on his path but rather made his way directly towards Alec standing in the OPs center.

“How dare you? You arrested a warlock under  _ my  _ protection. This is against the treaties that you have signed, yourself, if I may remind you.”

Magnus was so angry, he even lost control of his glamour for a few brief moments, displaying his stunning cat-eyes. Nonetheless he seemed to still have enough control to let a tendril of magic wrap itself around Alec’s neck without hurting him.

Alec swallowed hard as he looked at Magnus. Alec was afraid. He lived in constant fear nowadays, but only because he didn’t want anyone besides his siblings to know his darkest secret. Least of all the warlock standing in front of him.

Even with Magnus’ anger directed at him, even with the tight coil of red magic around his throat, and even with the menacing expression on Magnus’ face... Alec couldn’t find it in himself to be afraid of the warlock. Magnus, who was whole again.

Alec struggled for words because Magnus was still looking at him with this piercing look that seemed to pin down Alec’s very soul. He tried to find the words for a response while also keeping down the cough that wanted to escape his lungs without his permission. He opened his mouth then closed it again and swallowed. Something tickled Alec at the roof of his mouth and he knew if he wasn't able to flee soon, his secret would be literally spilled out in front of the entire institute, including Magnus. It was like pressure building up behind a valve and it was only a question of time until that valve would burst.

Jace came to his rescue, storming into the room, not a quaint less angry than Magnus and drew himself up to his full height in front of the warlock. 

“What do you think you are doing? I recognize your status as the High Warlock, Bane but you can’t come in here and demand answers from my shadowhunters that are not theirs to give. If you have a problem with how the institute handled the extraction of this particular warlock you take it up with me and nobody else. Is this understood?”

Alec didn’t hear Magnus’ response to that. The moment the magic’s grip on his throat had lessened, he’d stormed out towards the closest bathroom, Izzy hot on his heels.

As soon as they were inside Izzy locked the door behind them while Alec stormed towards the toilet coughing up small yellow-golden petals. It was always worse after having to hold it back for too long. His entire esophagus felt like it was cut open from the inside by the petals’ rough edges and so it didn’t come as a surprise to Alec’s when he coughed up blood as well.

When a hand moved up and down his back calmingly, Alec noticed Izzy was kneeling next to him, trying to ease Alec out of his coughing fit but to no avail.

Alec coughed and coughed. More and more petals made their way from Alec’s throat into the toilet bowl, all of them stained with crimson blood. Even a complete flower made its way out of Alec’s body eventually, and floated down. He ignored Izzy’s gasp, too focused on the way his body was wrecked by coughing and the pain it brought along. He deserved that.

Alec’s muscles were cramping, his shoulders hunched and while he coughed on he could feel his stomach clench and tears shooting in his eyes. He knew that feeling. It had happened once before, after a dinner with Maryse. Alec’s stomach convulsed and he proceeded to emit his breakfast into the bowl, the bile joining the petals floating there. The coughing finally subsided but the stinging pain in his muscles and the burning in his throat remained.

Izzy gave him a piece of toilet paper so Alec could wipe his mouth clean before leaning back on the stall wall next to them.

“What am I going to do with you, hermanjo?” Izzy asked softly, her head resting on Alec’s shoulder. 

Alec didn’t need to see her face to know that she was hurting. Hurting for him and it made him feel even worse. His siblings did not deserve the pain he made them go through.

Alec didn’t answer her. He had the sudden urge to breathe fresh air, so he just pressed a kiss to her head and made his way to the rooftop. He went through the corridors at a slower pace than usual. He was exhausted beyond measure and just wanted the constant pain to end. He wanted to be able to draw in a breath of fresh air without the strain on his lungs but Alec knew that time was long over. Tasting fresh air was a relic of the past.

He’d thought that if he gave up the position as institute head the pressure on him would lessen. He’d been wrong. Sure, he didn’t need to read reports anymore and had an overall smaller workload. However, it seemed that the information that the head had changed hadn’t reached the ends of the grapevine yet, when even Magnus still thought that Alec had any control over missions left. That was exactly the kind of confrontation he had wanted to avoid and it was all for naught.

When he opened the door to the roof Jace was already there. Alec should’ve expected it, truly. Ever since they knew, his siblings looked out for Alec more than usual. Alec tried his best to look like he hadn’t just coughed up a whole flower shop and stood next to Jace, both looking at the surrounding area of the institute.

“I told him to go home and make an official appointment.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” 

After all the weeks of pain and suffering it was the earnest tone in Jace’s voice that broke the dam.

Alec sank down, curled into himself with his arms hugging his knees close to his chest and started to cry, his face buried in his arms. It had been the hardest thing in Alec’s life to break up with Magnus and to see the betrayed expression in the warlock’s face. Alec just hadn’t anticipated the aftermath would be even worse.

He’d expected the emotional whiplash but he never had taken into account the feeling of isolation. Once he’d closed off the parabatai bond for longer than ever before to spare Jace the pain of coughing up flowers daily he felt lonelier than ever. Jace deserved his happiness with Clary. And then Alec’s siblings had started to treat him like he was made of glass until he had screamed at them one time. All of that came crashing down on Alec with just one sincere ‘don’t mention it’ from Jace after one encounter with Magnus. It was simply too much to bear for Alec.

Jace took Alec in his arms and rocked them back and forth, clutching Alec tight to his chest. 

“Will you finally tell me why?” 

At those words Alec looked up at his parabatais’s face. Even through the blurry film on his eyes he could see that Jace was holding back tears.

Alec wiped away the tears angrily. Suddenly he could feel the bile in his mouth again and he felt like he might throw up again. This time not because of the coughing but because the realization sank in that he had to bid his goodbyes soon.

“You know why. It was the only way Jace.”

Jace scoffed. “It was not the only way and you know that. What happened to wanting to marry him? To stay with him until the end? I just don’t get it why you didn’t believe him when he told you he was fine without magic. You know, you could have had it all with Magnus.”

Alec clenched his fists. “He was not happy. It - you weren’t there when I tried to - you didn’t see him. It ate him up from the inside Jace, he tried to chase after it. He nearly killed himself in an attempt to have some magic!” Without him noticing Alec’s voice had grown louder.

“I had to do something. I-I couldn’t just watch him retreat back in a shell, not when it was my fault he had to make this deal with Asmodeus in the first place.” Alec swallowed hard. Jace had known some of it but maybe now was the time to come clean. The tears started falling again and there was nothing he could do against it.

“He would have come to hate me and that - I couldn’t live with myself if he hated me, Jace.” Alec hiccuped and then coughed. Two yellow flowers sank to the stone floor, both stained crimson red. 

Jace inhaled sharply, the same strong reaction that Izzy had had earlier, they both had done their research.

“Since when?” Jace grabbed Alec’s arms and shook. “Alec. Since when?” There was desperation in his voice.

“Last week, after the cabinet meeting.” Jace pressed Alec closer to his chest. 

They both knew without talking about it. Once a person afflicted with the hanahaki disease started coughing up whole flowers, not much time was left. It meant that the disease had grown so big in the respiratory system that the flowers could make their way out undamaged.

“Wouldn’t all of this be for nothing if he hates you already?”

Alec shook his head, “First of all if I hadn’t done it and he then grew to hate me he still would not get his magic back. And I don’t think he hates me, Magnus would never fault anyone for changing their feelings. He’s good like that.”

Alec swallowed, trying to fight the tickling sensation at the roof of his mouth to be able to continue. “Promise me Jace. Don’t tell him, not ever. Fake the reports, make it seem that I died on a mission. He can never know.”

Jace scoffed. “Why not, he might as well know what you did for him.”

Alec shook his head vehemently. “Don’t. He’ll blame himself. That’s how he is. Magnus was always too good for me. He - “ Alec hiccuped “- you should see how he treats others. Remember how he helped us with Clary even though shadowhunters hurt him and his family constantly? He is just good through and through, no matter what anyone else says.” Alec coughed again and another flower fell down. “And even now he still helps and exhausts himself.”

He plucked it from the ground and looked at it. The red blood splatters presenting in stark contrast to the yellow petals. “Helichrysum italicum, straw flower, immortelle. It has a lot of names,” he laughed humorlessly, “I don’t even know why I looked it up, as if knowing what kills me would somehow stop it.”

He leaned into Jace’s embrace for the first time. “Thank you. For everything.” 

Then he reached inside his pocket and fished out a black box before pressing it into Jace’s hand. For some reason he had carried that box around with him since the breakup. To have some visible proof of what he lost maybe, or perhaps he just liked to torture himself,.

“When I asked mom for this, I had this idea about how my future could be. I was so afraid of leaving Magnus behind too early and worried whether he would heal from that and learn to be happy again. Maybe it is better this way. I broke his heart and he can move on earlier, a clean cut heals easier than a complicated fracture.” A gust of wind ruffled through Alec’s hair. “I want you to have it, use it when you ask Clary or give it to Izzy if she is faster to drag Simon in front of the altar. At least one of my siblings should get to use it.”

Jace pocketed the box and went back to hugging Alec to his chest. “I’ll miss you.”

Alec smiled up at him through teary eyes. “I bet you won’t when you have to lead the next cabinet meeting and ask yourself why I ever thought it was a good idea to bring all those factions together.”

“I shouldn’t have to lead it. This is your legacy not mine.”

“Then you better make sure that it lives on.”

They both were silent for a few minutes. “Watch out for him in my stead okay? Appreciate the beauty of him wielding his magic so easily like it’s no different from breathing.”

Jace chuckled lightly “if you weren’t so damn stubborn you’d tell him and then you could watch him yourself. Maybe he even knows a way to heal it.”

Alec shook his head. “You know just as well as I that it’s incurable. And the deal was to ‘break his heart to get his magic back’ not ‘break his heart temporarily and then get right back together with him’. I don’t want to risk undoing it. Magnus wouldn’t survive losing his magic a second time and I’ve put him through enough already. He deserves someone who can love him freely.” Alec looked over the wall of the roof, the sun high in the sky. Jace was supposed to be working right now and Alec had occupied his time for way too long already.

“I want to be alone now Jace. I have to think about getting my affairs in order now that-” he nodded towards the flowers still laying on the ground, purposely avoiding Jace’s eyes.

“Alright if you’re sure.” He patted Alec’s back unsure. “If you need me I’m in the office and Izzy is in the lab probably.” 

Alec nodded stiffly as sole answer, stood up with him and turned his back to Jace’s retreating form. He heard the door fall shut and let out an exhausted breath. It had felt good to come clean with Jace.

Steps sounded from behind Alec, it seemed Jace had been wrong. “Izzy, I don’t want to talk with you right now.”

The person came to a stop behind Alec. “Good that I am not Isabelle then.”

Alec swiveled around and looked at Magnus with shock, fighting to keep down a coughing fit.

“What are you doing here?”

“A glamour can bring you a long way, Alexander. You of all people should know that. It’s even more useful when someone like Jace opens doors for you without noticing so that you don’t need to open them yourself. I bet an invisible foe would put the institute in a state of alarm.” Magnus glanced down at his open palm. Alec noticed the stained flower he held there only now. “Care to explain this?”

“I- I-” Alec couldn’t help himself but to take in Magnus’ appearance. He looked good. His make-up was on point and his hair styled to perfection, the ear cuff was on its usual spot. Only the tired look in Magnus’ eyes hinted at something being amiss. He was so occupied by Magnus’ face that he noticed the tickle at the roof of his mouth too late and coughed.

More flowers sank to the ground as Alec coughed them up. It didn’t stop. There were at least a good dozen laying on the ground and all Alec could do was staring at Magnus helplessly while his body shook and trembled.

Magnus stared at him wide-eyed but stepped closer, the flowers were crushed underneath his boots.

Alec forgot to cough when Magnus pressed his lips to Alec’s. They felt more chapped than usual.

It was a short kiss and when they parted, Alec noticed a blush crawling up Magnus’ neck. He was so beautiful.

“You are the biggest idiot I have ever known Alexander Lightwood.” Magnus said with a small smile and a gentle voice. His eyes seemed to be softer now than before the kiss.

The tickle at the roof of his mouth was back and Alec coughed again. This time no flowers or petals came out.

Magnus’ smile brightened. “You have to know that I never stopped loving you, Alexander.” 

Alec smiled back shyly and breathed in shakily. It was easy, he felt free. For the first time in weeks he didn’t feel like suffocating.

“We have a lot to talk about but for now what do you think about going home and eating take-out on the balcony?”

Alec took the offered hand and together they left the institute. Alec didn’t bother to tell Izzy and Jace, enough shadowhunters saw them on their way out and the rumour mills ran fast in New York.

**Author's Note:**

> Imortelles speak of immortal love.
> 
> Let me know what you think ♥


End file.
